Kudos for Comments

I was beginning to wonder if anyone was reading my blog, and recently 2 comments were posted!
One comment, from a member of Al-Anon really made my day. It reminded me how we are perceived by the general public, and also of the pervasive nature of alcoholism and addiction.
The latest comment gives an insightful look at the comparison of AA, to preachers who speak of pious deeds, yet don't apply them to their daily life.
I hope I don't sound like I'm bashing AA & NA; I am merely advising people to be aware and not be afraid to question the so-called "elders" of the program.
My approach is to look at someones' emotional, mental and spiritual health; not just the number of years they have accumulated.

Walking the Walk

This is the phrase that separates the men from the boys, or the serious from the pretenders, if you prefer.
I often hear who I refer to as ,"eloquent slogan slingers"; every room of Recovery has at least one of these who can recite all the neat tidbits of wisdom, that are traditional to AA & NA.
Speaking the words are one thing, but performing the actions that correspond, are quite another.
Although 12 step recovery is a simple program, the disease of addiction is an extremely complex matter.
This is why we incorporate real life coping skills into the traditional 12 step method.
Just staying away from a drink or drug is only the beginning; from that juncture comes the task of really living clean and sober. Once again it take honest appraisal of our behaviors, attitudes and actions. The meetings and literature provide an outline and a guide, to attempt to implement into our daily lives.
The book, "Living Sober" is a good example of the teachings of the Big Book and 12 Steps, applied to everyday life situations.
Through my attendance at thousands of meetings, I have developed a keen bullshit meter.
At this stage of my recovery, I can recognize the sincere folks, from the good talkers who don't actually practice what they preach.
I caution newcomers to the program to be careful who they emulate; and to watch what the person does, not just what they say.

Out of The Woods

An analogy I like to convey to anyone who feels they are not progressing fast enough.
It's like a walk into the woods; we all don't go the same distance in, but that is the length of the journey back out.
Impatience and instant gratification are usual traits of the addict, and they can hamper the patience and tolerance necessary to continue the journey out of the woods. Part of the dilemma is the steady celebration and reinforcement of early sobriety. The coins for every 3 months up to that first year and the pink cloud which usually accompanies this period.
When I heard that the first year was a gift and when the work really starts, I was skeptical.
Well it rang true for me after my first year, I made it to 22 months and relapsed.
Things were getting a bit routine and I became complacent, allowing that primitive part of my brain to convince me I could drink safely.
Now, 4 years later, I admit to myself every day that I cannot recapture the magic that was my long term affair with alcohol. Do I miss those nights of uninhibited feelings of power and glory?
Of course I do; but what I ALSO remember is where I ended up, when the thing that turned me on, had turned on me.

GRATITUDE

I closed yesterdays' noon AA meeting, with a moment of silence for the victims of 9/11, and those public safety workers injured or killed in the rescue attempts.
With the proliferation of relapses we've witnessed this summer, I have been hearing much talk of making a "gratitude list". While initially skeptical of the value of writing a list of things I should be thankful for, I'm beginning to realize the importance of the exercise.
Sometimes the positive aspects are not recognized and taken for granted. A pessimistic outlook also contributes to the tendency to only see the negative.
The very basic gift of health; which I was squandering with alcohol and cocaine, is the starting point for me. When I see so many people with disabilities, injuries and serious medical conditions, my "poor me" outlook begins to fade.
Initially I was frustrated that there was no quick-fix for addiction; hell, you mean I have to do this recovery gig for more than 90 days before I'm cured?
Today I am grateful that there are rooms full of people, totally diverse but all with one common goal...to stay away from a drink or drug, one day at a time.

Acquire the Desire

Catchy slogan, don't you think?
Remember; the only requirement for membership, is a desire to stop drinking and drugging.
What these 3 words say to me is, even if it's not happening right away, stick around and give it a chance.
The more I try to analyze how recovery works, the more confused I get. Ever since I let go of my intellectual curiosity, I began to realize that I don't get the program, the program gets me!
There is no magic in the rooms; it's just that feeling of a common bond, regardless of individual differences. Something in listening to the good, bad and ugly stories gives me a reminder of what I've done and a promise of what can be accomplished.
If I can do a good deal of listening and share a small piece of my journey, it gives me another day, and a piece of the clean and sober puzzle, that may have been missing.

Handling Temptation

Unless you live in a cave, it is impossible to avoid images of drinking in magazines, movies, on television, and billboards. Since alcohol is legal and socially acceptable, there is no escape from the advertising.
Sure it looks tempting, watching the images of the entertaining, laughter, and dancing, but that only applies to those who can do so safely. Many of us have had the idea that just one wouldn't hurt; but we know with us, that is impossible.
We will be faced with social situations; holidays, parties and weddings that can't be avoided. One thing I have found in sobriety is that everybody doesn't drink! There are ways to be sociable and politely refuse to be part of the drinking crowd.
Today I am able to be present at most events, provided I have a legitimate reason for being there. The envy I used to feel has subsided and the lure of that first drink has lost its appeal.

Facing the Odds

Anyone who's been in recovery for any length of time, can attest to the fact that only a small percentage stick around. When I hear, "they didn't work it, or surrender", I just shake my head.
It is the pervasive nature of this disease that resists most attempts at continued sobriety. Anyone who preaches that relapse is NOT part of recovery, is delusional. Yes, I know every group has one or two first-try success stories; but they are extremely rare.
Long term recovery(starts at 5 years) can be quite elusive for the majority. Studies indicate that only 5%, or 1 in 20 achieve it. While attendance in the rooms stays mainly the same, the number of addicts and alcoholics rises every year.
I try to avoid being discouraged by the statistics, but it can be difficult when I see people I know slip. What I try to convey to anyone who relapses is to concentrate on what to do next, accepting the consequences and learning from the experience.

Another Brick in the Wall

This is how I have to look at myself today; I am not all that different from anyone else in the rooms of recovery.
Initially I found it difficult to identify with anyone in the rooms.
When I heard stories of crashing cars, getting arrested and spending time in jail, I said, "well I haven't done any of that stuff."
It did take some time for me to stop comparing my experiences with those of others.
Eventually I would begin to look for the similarities, rather than the differences. What I have found are people of various ages, races and careers; very diverse backgrounds, but we all seem to end up in the same boat. Alcoholism and drug addiction are equal opportunity destroyers.
It doesn't matter when, or how much we drank; it is our mental and emotional state preceding, during and after that matters. I know many people who could out drink me, but the big difference was their mind was not consumed with the compulsion to continue day after day.

The Bottom line

This is what it all boils down to; making the daily choice between continued sobriety and my former lifestyle of drinking and drugging.
Some days it just takes the memory of getting another 24 hour coin.
I already have quite a collection from various meetings. I do not miss those feelings of guilt shame and remorse whatsoever.
Today I have to want to stay sober more than I want to drink. Sounds easy, right? It all depends on my mental, emotional and spiritual condition. Some days are easier than others, so I need to recognize that there are things that are out of my control and more importantly, there isn't anything that a drink or drug will make better. A big help to me is the Serenity Prayer, and the crucial key is the wisdom to know the difference. I often compare it to the line in the Kenny Rogers tune, "The Gambler"; "you got to know when to hold up, know when to fold up..."

The Journey continues...

Every day is new territory for me; having had various amounts of clean time, yet in the past, I could always find an excuse to sabotage my recovery. I'm not thoroughly convinced that anything miraculous has happened,this time, and I can't answer the common question asked by most counselors, "what are you going to do differently this time?"My response is that today, no matter what happens, I just don't pick up that first drink or drug. Life still goes on, there will be illness, disappointment and struggle. Today, I realize I can experience these things, and just accept issues which are out of my control. Sure, a quick fix was a convenient escape; but it was temporary and changed nothing! Well almost nothing; my sobriety date, serenity and the sense of accomplishment for my efforts up to that time. I often hear in the rooms "my worst day sober is better than my best day drunk"... well that doesn't hold true for me, but my average day sober, is way better than my average day, drinking!