the first phase

yesterday marked my 5 year anniversary;
and my son's 26th birthday!
the first phase of my 20 year plan.
the notion of quitting something i loved to do,
a day at a time was difficult.

while i did manage to do just that for 22 months
7 years ago, that inner voice asking me every
day,"can we drink today?", finally wore me down.
Deb left for Arizona on a nice summer afternoon,
and when the little voice asked, "is today the day?",
i said, "HELL YES"!

in order to quiet that voice and prevent it from asking
me daily, i decided to quit for 20 years. at that point
i will make my choice. by that time the lure of the
buzz will have lost it's appeal.

it was nice to get calls from Susie, Erin, Marianne,
Megan and Stephanie. at our "real deal" meeting
last night, Tom announced to the group of my
marking the start of long term sobriety.

yes i have discovered the magic of sobriety!
the reality; there is no magic!

for me, it's just a scale that was always evenly
balanced between drinking or not.
this time around, the scale is slightly tipped
toward abstinence.

i know the outcome of taking that drink;
i don't know what continuing on the path
of recovery will bring; so far it's been
rewarding.

letting go of envy

I have never been an envious person;
it didn't faze me about what anyone else had.

it wasn't until I started getting sober,
that i did envy folks who could drink safely.
the feeling has taken some time to subside;
but thankfully it has.

having had such a long history of social use,
there were so many good memories to draw from.
when i hear stories of people who drank a six-pack,
broke a fingernail, and barfed; then their whole
life went down the crapper, i think, "it shouldn't
be too hard for them to quit"!

euphoric recall is a powerful force, and was keeping
me from remembering the absolute worst times
in my life involved alcohol and drugs.

the saying goes, "play the tape all the way through",
and it really is true.

inspiration

it was choice, not chance that got me drunk...it is choice that keeps me sober today
a positive outlook is a good start; it takes action to implement change


there are thousands of quotes by famous folks that span the ages.

it is amazing how many of them can be applied to recovery.

most are simple, yet powerful words of wisdom, that have endured for eons.

inspiration can come from many sources...all we need to do is search for it.

friends

cute parody about friendship.

reminds me of a few friends, co-workers
or residents of our sober home, who
drank or drugged and faced the consequences.

in the past, it was difficult to resist the lure
of jumping off the sober bridge with a friend.

it has taken many leaps and lumps, to acquire
the strength and acumen to let go at the edge
of the cliff.

I can still accompany a friend on the journey
and offer support; but only to edge...never beyond.

whiskey muscles

more like false courage;
or what I used to call "whiskey muscles".

while it is undisputed that alcohol does
reduce inhibition, it is questionable
whether a person will do something
under the influence, that they would
not do normally.

personally, I believe some folks use
intoxication as a crutch to explain
bad behavior. of course, the exception
to this is anything done in a blackout.

either way, this is no concern today.

surprise!
I can dance, sing, debate, laugh, and cry;
all without a buzz today.

think positive

Others will believe in you if you believe in yourself.

It's not about who wins or who is the most successful; it's about how much progress you make.

There are others in the world for a reason; depend on them and let others depend on you.

Think before you speak; give thought to the consequences of your actions.

. What people do is more important than what they say.

Failing to achieve something in the past doesn’t mean that you’ll fail to achieve it now or in the future.

Accept disappointment, failure and pain as a part of life, not the entirety of it.

Share and deal with your problems; hidden and left unattended they’ll only grow.

Having choices and making decisions is a privilege; don’t waste it by being scared of making mistakes.

Your present won’t always match up to your past but your future can surpass both.

rules for life

this is my all-time favorite list of what you did not and will
not learn in school It was written by Charles J. Sykes, best known as the author of "Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good about Themselves, but Can’t Read, Write, or Add."

the emphasis has shifted from teaching the basics,

to sappy, feel good coddling and political correctness.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2
: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You
won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule
5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had
a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, ‘learn from them’..

Rule
7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are
now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes
and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So
before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s
generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule
8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS
NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll
give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This
doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off
and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do
that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

friday

and the harder i work, the luckier i get!

just pondering the expressions folks use
when describing someone's recovery.

we hear "he talks a good program, or
'she walks the walk, or they "live the program".

what i observe, is what people do, rather
than what they say.

do people really change after years in the program?
i'm not convinced.

you can remove the rum from a fruitcake;
but it's still a fruitcake.

social drinking

my view now is, let those who can,
drink and be merry.
don't get me wrong, I still retain a
bit of envy watching folks imbibe socially.

it's quite amusing, observing the various
stages of intoxication.
from the amorous stare, to the ominous glare,
the belly laughs, to the angry shouts, it always
runs the gamut of human emotions.

sure I miss that release from inhibition and
easy laughter, but not enough to forget the
consequences of where I left off.

my main concern for the social drinker is to
be wary of getting behind the wheel;
even the non-alcoholic is subject to ego and
overconfidence after some liquid courage.

it is possible for many to drink safely;
just not me.

out of the woods

how I view my path to recovery.
having traveled deep into the forest
of addiction, it takes patience and
perseverance to continue the journey.

looking back on my former pattern of
feeling invincible after 90 days, I now
realize my brain wasn't even close to
normal function as my body in 3 months.

mental and emotional health require time
to restore.
trying to undo many years of drinking and drugging,
in a matter of months, is impossible.

a major component of the ability to continue,
was abandoning the futile attempt to drink safely.
I was convinced that through a combination of
exercise, willpower and proper nutrition, it was
possible to regain control of my use.

after repeated failures, I threw in the towel.
finally the ultimate realization that I had
slowly progressed from social, to heavy, to
abuse and ultimately dependence on alcohol.

it was time to end the controlled drinking experiment.

the end result of opening the jug was always the same;
the possibilities of resisting were unknown, but
certainly worth trying.

my jumping off point?

what used to turn me on... turned on me.