resisting urges

the old thoughts are starting to surface on occasion.
am i reaching that point where it feels safe to drink?

sure i banter back and forth with my conscience and
that primitive part of my mind that seeks intoxication.

thankfully i still maintain enough gratitude to resist temptation.
by now my readers know i dont subscribe to the notion
that there is a point where, "the obsession was lifted".

my experience has been one of gradual lessening of the
grip of alcohol.
i have come to accept this as my path of progressive wellness.

for anyone who has not had a grand spiritual awakening,
you need not feel shortchanged or deficient in any way.
the changes in brain chemistry and emotional state happen
slowly and subtly.

recalling how far i walked into the forest of addiction,
allows me the patience to continue the journey out.

relapse & reality

relapse is an integral part of recovery for most folks.
of course there is always the exception in every meeting room.
some people like to refer to it as insanity;
but i dont see it as such. the desire to recapture the magic
of control exists in many alcoholics. we use assorted methods
of changing drinks or frequency. sort of a last ditch effort to
trick our brain into thinking we are reverting back to social use.

today, the thing that keeps me away from that first drink, is
remembering where the drink leads
the pattern is always the same; loss of control, and continuing
to the point of despair.

that path to failure has been proven many times
but i dont know what continued sobriety will bring
so if i just stick it out another day, i can avoid the inevitable.
and enjoy life with a clear head and a positive outlook.

staying sober

top 10 reasons to stay sober;


10. driving over the speed limit without guilt

9. being able to talk TO people & not AT them

8. remembering all of the previous night's activity

7. keeping off 35 extra pounds

6. coping with adversity, rather than avoiding it

5. not having to constantly apologize

4. being reliable and accountable

3. having more to spend on computer stuff

2. my liver is eternally grateful

and the number 1 reason for me to stay sober...

proving my ex-wife wrong, for stating that I could never quit drinking!

my first 10 days

some things I wont be experiencing here in Arizona;

grand canyon
flagstaff (snow)
2 consecutive days of rain
strip clubs
good drivers
women under 60 at the pool
real italian food
speaker meetings
high intensity workouts

I will however, just relax and enjoy my unorganized days.
retirement is awesome, I'm never bored or regretting my decision
recovery is getting easier

honesty is it's own reward
humility is empowering

growing up isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

hate being an alcoholic?

does anyone else hate being an alcoholic or addict?

first off, is the stigma attached to the label.
with the exception of those in recovery, the
general public has no conception of what it
feels like to be in our shoes.

next is the constant scrutiny of when we are
going to screw up.
many of our past attempts and failures give
people good reason to be suspicious.

the thing i miss the most is the social aspect.
whether it was the beer at the ball park, or
choosing a wine for dinner, there was something
enticing about drinking for relaxation or just
lessening the inhibitions(shy folks know what i mean)

of course no one misses the final stages of compulsive
drinking; but for those who took a long time to get to
that stage, there are good memories to draw from.

so until someone invents a pill that allows me
to drink safely, i will keep those former days as just that; memories

a loss for words...

while i have been doing much reading,
my posting has been lacking.

we have the opportunity to open a rehab facility
in our town.
much of my time has been spent formulating
a business plan.
this has been a dream of mine for years.

this will be a test of my practice of knowing
when to hold up, and when to fold up.

my previous attempt was thwarted by the
property owner who reneged on our deal.

time (& money) will tell if this is meant to be.

in from the cold

it is refreshing to be away from snow, ice, sand and energy vampires.
this time of year the allure of holiday snow is diminished
all around me people were full of negativity
economic insecurity abounds among an alarming number of AA's
speaker meetings continued to be repetitive, and non motivating

went to my first noon meeting here in Arizona today
good to see most of the folks again
even better to be the kid at a meeting for a change

the topic was our insanity and how it affects others
i dont feel i was insane upon entering aa,
but decided not to share that, and risk bucking the uniformity of group-speak

it was encouraging to be approached after the meeting,
by several people who identified with my 3 level method
of recovery.

they had also tried to pray away, or meeting-treat medical
conditions to no avail.

continued research

once again, for those who feel I am unfairly denigrating AA,
what I AM doing, is tracking the latest psychological
and medical studies, that put the current methods to the test.

from Stanton Peele;

What do I see as the advantages of the "maturing out" approach? Many consider that the "disease" model allows people to feel their addiction is not their fault, and that they should seek help to overcome it. In the maturing out approach, people come to see that "recovery" is a natural process that is more likely than not to occur as long as they make realistic progress in the key areas of their lives. The addiction is not lifelong and all-powerful; rather, it is something with which ordinary people like themselves can come to grips. Armed with this perspective, many people find additional strength and motivation to pursue a path of health and growth that will put the addiction in their rear view mirrors.

this flies in the face of the "tried and failed" 12 step mantras that preach disease, powerlessness and permanence.

since i seek a path to recovery through behavior modification and not antiquated disease or moral decay theories, these views are relevant and important to my continued recovery

Bill Wilson; the man, the myth...

the legend?

The more I research one of founders of aa, the more astounded i get
that this guy could be a major part of creating 12 step recovery.

excerpt from "the orange papers";

Bill Wilson declared that he was "powerless" over just about every urge or craving that he ever had, no matter whether it was a thirst for alcohol, cravings for cigarettes, greed for money, the desire for self-aggrandizement, the temptation to lie, or the urge to cheat on his wife Lois by having sex with all of the pretty young women who came to the A.A. meetings seeking help. That's an interesting excuse for cheating on your wife, one of the more novel ones, but it doesn't wash.³

Bill Wilson was habitually unfaithful to the wife who was working to support him, both before and after sobriety. He invented the A.A. tradition of "thirteenth stepping" the attractive young women who came to A.A. looking for help. Bill was such an outrageous philanderer that the other elder A.A. members had to form a "Founder's Watch Committee", whose job it was to follow Bill Wilson around, and watch him, and break up budding sexual relationships with the pretty young things before he publicly embarrassed A.A. yet again.³ When other early A.A. members, like Tom Powers, who helped Bill to write his second book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, told Bill Wilson to quit the philandering, Bill whined that he couldn't give it up.

So just how was Bill's behavior an example of a life "lived on a spiritual basis"? Besides the fact that he held séances and played with Ouija boards, and constantly hypocritically yammered words like "God", "working selflessly", and "absolute purity", just what was "spiritual" about William G. Wilson?

there is an amazing degree of contradiction and hypocrisy concerning a man many consider a great inspirational leader