Monday quotes

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.

- Anne Lamott

One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody every night you go to bed.

- Ann Landers

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

- Steve Landesberg

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.

- Frank Leahy

Most of us are pretty good at keeping promises to others and pretty bad at keeping promises to ourselves.

- Lawrence LeShan

The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.

- Shirley Maclaine

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.

- Joshua J. Marine

We cannot be happy if we expect to live all the time at the highest peak of intensity. Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.

7 steps

from Stanton Peele;

2010: 7 Steps Out Of Addiction

I have worked in the addiction field for 40 years, since I began researching my book, Love and Addiction (1975), about addictive sex and love. I take a non-disease approach, since I find the idea that you are born to be a lifelong addict unhelpful.

I created the Life Process Program for the St. Gregory Retreat Center. Although we deal with substance addictions at St. Gregory, my model of addiction applies to all kinds - gambling, sex, binge eating and anorexia, et al.

Here are the seven elements to our recovery program, ones you can apply to whatever concerns you:

1. It's not the addiction, it's the rest of your life. You've been thinking about that damned addiction for decades, so more thought in that direction has limited value. What you need to think about is fulfillment in the rest of your life - including relationships, work and educational goals, community, life satisfaction. Then the addiction might not just melt away, but it will sure be easier to manage.

2. What do you value? Everyone has a reason to quit. You've thought about how your habit is hurting your health, your self-respect, your family, your career goals - pick one suit in that deck of cards and play it. Run through the connections between what you are doing and what really matters to you. Think of the smoker whose daughter says, "Why are you killing yourself daddy. Don't you love me?"

3. Get in with the in crowd. It is so obvious and it's been repeated so much - but I have to restate it. Hang out with people who behave the way you'd like to, and are the kind of person you'd like to be. If they don't want to spend all night smoking, drinking, and doing lord knows what - well, you'll have to learn to do the kinds of things your role models enjoy. Then, pretty soon, you're like them!

4. It works - I can control myself! Savor the rewards of your new behavior - your new self - the respect, the clean air, the free time, the productivity, the health - the happiness. You can do it - you've done it before, either with this addiction or some other. Pat yourself on the back - you're a mover and a shaker. Just look modest when people ask you how you quit, lost weight, or got going on that health regimen - nobody likes a braggart!

5. Engage your loved ones. It's a fine line between blaming others for - or worse, implicating them in - your addiction. But your life partner and others close to you are keys to recovery. Think about the ways they feed into your habits. Then think harder about how to ask for their help in reversing these patterns - remember, you're requesting help, not accusing them.

6. What's your plan? Being addicted is usually not planned, like those ads that mock the idea of kids saying they want to grow up to be alcoholics. So you have to plan your days, your career, your relationships. I know - you were Mr. or Ms. "What, me worry?" But look where that got you! You need a daily planner; you need a life plan.

7. Aim higher. When you think about an addictive habit, it's so puny, so trivial - feeding your urges, your face. Let's come up with something bigger to focus on. Politics? Poverty? Community? Religion? Art? Your own family and life goals? You tell me what you think is really worth devoting yourself to in life.

And, remember: nothing, nobody is perfect. If you count the people who never take another dance with their monkey - or at least sample some other intoxicant from the one they nailed themselves to a cross on - you don't even have to use all your fingers. The goal is to avoid relapsing into your former addict identity and lifestyle. You can always climb back up, even after you've descended a couple of steps. Just do it!

This is what we do at St. Gregory. Join us at home.

Monday quotes

If you don't have a dream, how are you going to make a dream come true?
- Oscar Hammerstein II

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
- Thich Nhat Hanh

Life really can be so simple... You create your opportunities by asking for them.
- Patty Hansen

The 3 hardest tasks in the world are neither physical feats nor intellectual achievements, but moral acts: to return love for hate, to include the excluded, and to say, "I was wrong."
- Sydney J. Harris

Almost any event will put on a new face when received with cheerful acceptance.
- Henry S. Haskins

Vision is not enough, it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps, we must step up the stairs.
- Vaclav Havel

Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.
- Nathaniel Hawthorne

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.
- Jimi Hendrix

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
- Oliver Herford

I've been searching for days, for the exact red for this rose. Yet I don't have the color, that He chose.
- Toon Hermans

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.
- Hermann Hesse

We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.
- Cullen Hightower

Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.
- Conrad Hilton

crossing over

most of us have experienced a
"crossing over" period.

for some it was obvious from
the start; those who instantly
feel in love with the buzz.

others may have started to
begin the crossing in high
school or college.

my progression was so slow
and insidious, I can't pinpoint
that crossover.

because of the
gradual time-line of social,
moderate, heavy, and finally
dependence, even family and
friends had a hard time believing--

what turned me on for so long,
had turned on me.


not that it really matters in
the course of recovery;
but it does making the admission
of having a problem, much more
difficult.

wednesday fun

thanks to the folks at Motifake.com

celebrities & substance abuse

from About.com/Alcoholism
the latest headlines concerning some
famous Americas battling drugs and alcohol

Joe Namath's Daughter Arrested for Pot

David Hasselhoff Leaves 'America's Got Talent'

Socialite and Heiress Casey Johnson Dead at 30

Utah Senate Majority Leader Resigns After DUI

Cocaine Found at Florida NASA Hangar

Redmond O'Neal Arrested Again for Drugs

Prosecutor Loses Driver's License for 7 Months

State Senator Jailed for Alcohol Use

more examples of the nature of addiction
and how it can affect anyone, regardless
of social status, fame, wealth or political clout

monday quotes

If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is "thank you," that would suffice.

- Meister Eckhart

If you don't like the way the world is, you change it. You have an obligation to change it. You just do it one step at a time.

- Marian Wright Edelman

Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.

- Erich Fromm

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

- George Eliot

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasting time.

- T.S. Eliot

Keep company with those who may make you better.

- English saying

Yesterday is ashes; tomorrow is wood. Only today does the fire burn brightly.

- Old Eskimo saying

Humility comes from understanding that the obstacles in front of you are not going to go away.

- Sarah Ferguson

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.

- Sally Field

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.

- Anne Frank

The winds and the waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators.

- Edward Gibbon

Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to error that counts.

- Nikki Giovanni

friday questions

when did you first realize you might
have a problem with drugs or alcohol?

if you could be someone else,
who would that be?

do certain occasions make you wish you could
drink safely?

where do you turn for guidance when
a sponsor can't provide answers?

why is it people are always in a hurry?

does it really matter how you pray?

ever heard someone share that if
you're not on your knees, it doesn't count?

I firmly believe there are no bonus points
for posture;

Ray Romano said it best on his show...

"I pray standing in the shower---
there's better reception that way"

steps out of addiction

stanton peele's 7 steps out of addiction;

food for thought

Here are the seven elements to our recovery program, ones you can apply to whatever concerns you:

1. It's not the addiction, it's the rest of your life. You've been thinking about that damned addiction for decades, so more thought in that direction has limited value. What you need to think about is fulfillment in the rest of your life - including relationships, work and educational goals, community, life satisfaction. Then the addiction might not just melt away, but it will sure be easier to manage.

2. What do you value? Everyone has a reason to quit. You've thought about how your habit is hurting your health, your self-respect, your family, your career goals - pick one suit in that deck of cards and play it. Run through the connections between what you are doing and what really matters to you. Think of the smoker whose daughter says, "Why are you killing yourself daddy. Don't you love me?"

3. Get in with the in crowd. It is so obvious and it's been repeated so much - but I have to restate it. Hang out with people who behave the way you'd like to, and are the kind of person you'd like to be. If they don't want to spend all night smoking, drinking, and doing lord knows what - well, you'll have to learn to do the kinds of things your role models enjoy. Then, pretty soon, you're like them!

4. It works - I can control myself! Savor the rewards of your new behavior - your new self - the respect, the clean air, the free time, the productivity, the health - the happiness. You can do it - you've done it before, either with this addiction or some other. Pat yourself on the back - you're a mover and a shaker. Just look modest when people ask you how you quit, lost weight, or got going on that health regimen - nobody likes a braggart!

5. Engage your loved ones. It's a fine line between blaming others for - or worse, implicating them in - your addiction. But your life partner and others close to you are keys to recovery. Think about the ways they feed into your habits. Then think harder about how to ask for their help in reversing these patterns - remember, you're requesting help, not accusing them.

6. What's your plan? Being addicted is usually not planned, like those ads that mock the idea of kids saying they want to grow up to be alcoholics. So you have to plan your days, your career, your relationships. I know - you were Mr. or Ms. "What, me worry?" But look where that got you! You need a daily planner; you need a life plan.

7. Aim higher. When you think about an addictive habit, it's so puny, so trivial - feeding your urges, your face. Let's come up with something bigger to focus on. Politics? Poverty? Community? Religion? Art? Your own family and life goals? You tell me what you think is really worth devoting yourself to in life.

And, remember: nothing, nobody is perfect. If you count the people who never take another dance with their monkey - or at least sample some other intoxicant from the one they nailed themselves to a cross on - you don't even have to use all your fingers. The goal is to avoid relapsing into your former addict identity and lifestyle. You can always climb back up, even after you've descended a couple of steps. Just do it!

guest post

I asked my friend mike to post for me.
we met about 7 years ago when he was
hit in the head by a softball at the local rehab
weekend game.

one of our residents drove him to the house
and we decided it would be best if he stayed
overnight and not drive home.

the rest is history and he has become family...

from mikey;

I believe in having a number of good people
in the event a sponsor is not around.

in my second 7 year go around in sobriety,
i have had 5 sponsees.

each had to handled differently, due to drugs
of choice, age and levels of depression.

I have always tried to remain available to
anyone who may have been struggling

it has been rewarding to watch people get through
tough times and remain sober

from About.com/alcoholism

As the Baby Boomer generation continues to grow older, the percentage of older Americans who use illicit drugs is increasing dramatically. According to a new study, this could mean that substance abuse treatment services required for adults 50 and over may double by the year 2020.

Marijuana and the nonmedical use of prescription drugs are the two most common drugs of abuse among people 50 and over.

Monday quotes

If you want to know your past life, look into your present condition; if you want to know your future, look into your present action.
- Padmisambha

When we come into this life, we don't really own anything. And we own nothing when we leave. It is only a lease we have during our lifetime - and it is up to us to make the most of it.
- Jerold Panas

Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.
- General George Patton

Change yourself and your work will seem different.
- Norman Vincent Peale

Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
- Pericles

If you attempt intimacy with another person before you have done the hard work of becoming whole yourself, all relationships become an attempt to complete yourself.
- Leslie Perrot

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream only at night.
- Edgar Allan Poe

Just because everything's different doesn't mean anything's changed.
- Irene Porter

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
- John Enoch Powell

The ultimate of being successful is the luxury of giving yourself the time to do what you want to do.
- Leontyne Price

12 steps & 16 steps compared

1. We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable

step 1 is an affirmation of strength and the innate ability to eliminate dependence
unlike AA's admission of powerlessness, defined as "quality of lacking strength or power; being weak and feeble; not very positive or encouraging"


2 belief that a higher power, awakens the healing wisdom within US when we open ourselves to the power,
rather than "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity;
which takes away one's own belief in themselves
and places the responsibility on an unknown source.

3) We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth. as opposed to,
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
which once again places responsibility and accountability in the hands of an unseen force


4) We examine our beliefs, addictions and dependent behavior in the context of living in a hierarchical, patriarchal culture.
AA #4 states
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
correct me if im wrong, but i've been told for over 20 years that i'm not a bad person;
i don't have moral issues, i'm just a sick person

why would i need to make a moral inventory?


5) We share with another person and the Universe all those things inside of us for which we feel shame and guilt.
12 & 16 very similar


6) We affirm and enjoy our intelligence, strengths and creativity, remembering not to hide these qualities from ourselves and others.
AA--Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.


here is where aa starts to lose me. nothing can be removed from us, short of a personality lobotomy, the best anyone can hope for is an improvement of character flaws.
the entire premise is flawed and unrealistic. there is no heavenly force that removes anything from the psyche of a human being.
here the 16 reinforces positives of character rather than repeated negative focus
we are allowed to affirm them with ourselves, and share them with others.

7) We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behavior that keeps us from loving ourselves and others.
aa says . Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings
redundant second half of step 6... why not ask him to help you win the lotto while you're at it?


8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
the 16 says;
We make a list of people we have harmed and people who have harmed us, and take steps to clear out negative energy by making amends and sharing our grievances in a respectful way.

my biggest problem with the 12 occurs right here. never in the steps are we encouraged to list those who harmed us.and safely share our issues with them . especially crucial for women who have been victims of multiple forms of abuse and never have an opportunity for closure.



11) We promptly admit to mistakes and make amends when appropriate, but we do not say we are sorry for things we have not done and we do not cover up, analyze, or take responsibility for the shortcomings of others.
step 10 in aa says

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.


once again no opportunity to address the shortcomings of others. how many women out there are still paying for a debt you never owed?

steps 12 thru 16 reaffirm our interaction with others , taking care of all aspects of health, finding inner peace, accepting the cards we're dealt, and peaceful coexistence.

even the staunchest 12 step loyalists would be hard pressed to refute
any segment of the 16...

it's saturday

the pic is a reminder of the past

ok, it's saturday, first day of
the weekend.

don't know what it's like where
you are, but here in Ct. it's freezing
cold, somewhat windy and just
plain dismal.

I guess i could be enjoying the
snow-scape, it really can be
breathtaking...but usually I
would be in sunny Arizona at this time.

as for the weekend, for many years
they were varied for me due to my
schedule.

it was 3 days on, 3 off, 3 nights, 3 off.

since retirement, it's hard to keep track
of the days.

my life sure is simple, yet i can always
manage to complicate it!

guess it just comes with the alky package...

found this on craigslist and wanted to
share it with my readers...

i know many of you are animal advocates!

friday questions

any difficult moments during the holiday season?

is there any lingering envy when socializing with
family or friends who drink safely?

what do you do to fill those times of the day
when a drink was the thing to do?

when do you experience the joys of recovery most?

if it were possible to drink safely, would you?

have you ever been on a 12 step call?

do you believe that this allergy progresses
even when abstinent, or is it just the combination
of mother nature & father time, reminding us
that we could never imbibe like the previous
decade(s) of our life?

why does there always have to be a long-winded
old timer in every recovery room?

when does the thought of the cold beer or glass
of wine ever go away?

does anyone else think like me, and analyze every
aspect of recovery?

thanks readers!

got some great feedback from readers on my post about stress;

mike shared a simple method, get under the covers, meditate & the answers may come

clean & crazy, one of my faithful readers along with the the poet laureate shadow,
said she rubs a small icon(i love it), blogs, and shares with her s/o.

athena mentioned giving up control, reading and patience.

tabitha suggessted relaxing, seeing what can be changed.and never giving up

rob used the bible while in iraq, and recommends it. thank you for your advice & service to our country.

tall kay reminded me to slow down, stay in the present and concentrate on breathing.

lydia , who has long term sobriety, yet still hears that call of the wild, uses music to sooth
and told me "trust in my own springtime"...i like that!


thank you all !!!

even though my life is very simple, i can often allow the little things to upset me

i need to be reminded of the book "don't sweat the small stuff"

handling stress

just looking to find out how others
deal with everyday stresses.

sure there is the tried and true
serenity prayer, but what about
those times when life just hands
us more than we can handle.

is there a person or place you
turn to when it just becomes
overwhelming

I still haven't found who or
what to turn to...

my faith is shaken
my resolve is strained
my direction is confused
my hopes are dashed

it is a lonely and bleak place

the resolve to stay on the path
is uncertain,
the call of the wild still
rings in my ears

it is so difficult to resist temptation

anyone relate to this?

dealing with teens

latest news about teens and deug use,
from about.com/alcoholism;

Not only is use rising, but a key belief about the degree of risk associated with marijuana use has been in decline among young people even longer, and the degree to which teens disapprove of use of the drug has recently begun to decline. Changes in these beliefs and attitudes are often very influential in driving changes in use."

The number of teens using any illicit drug also increased over the past two years, but that increase was fueled by the increase in marijuana use, which is by far the most widely used illicit drug.

The latest MTF study indicated the following illicit drug use:

• 15 percent of 8th graders
  
• 29 percent of 10th graders
  
• 37 percent of 12th graders

just when we thought the message was getting through
the reality is, that kids are going to do what the other kids
are doing.

no amount of DARE or warnings from parents will
make a serious impact.

peer pressure will always exist
curiosity is also a powerful force

all we can do is educate, and be powers of example.

Monday quotes

The dream begins, most of the time, with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you on to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called truth.

- Dan Rather

You can spend all your life trying to be what others expect you to be, but you will never be free.

- Chris Rea

Time is not measured by the years we live, but by the deeds we do and the joys we give.

- Helen Steiner Rice

You find what you look for in life. If you look for the good, you will find it. If you look for bad, you'll find that too. Choose to see the good!

- James B. Richards

A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward.

- Jean Paul Richter

The successful person is the individual who forms the habit of doing what the failing person doesn’t like to do.

- Donald Riggs

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

- Donna Roberts

I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty.

- John D. Rockefeller

The more you know the less you need to say.

- Jim Rohn

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

latest on the disease concept

sorry about the length of this, but it contains some crucial info
as DSM V is formulated-(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
of Mental Disorders)

Disease concept not part of DSM-V

The Stanton Peele Addiction Website, December 13, 2009. This blog post also appeared on Stanton's Addiction in Society blog at PsychologyToday.com.
Will Sex Addiction Be in DSM-V?

The fight over the new psychiatric manual, DSM-V, has escalated. The conflict is due to an underlying flaw in the manual's conception. Rather than tracing human activity in terms of its impact for people's lives, it instead attempts to list each separate manifestation of abnormal functioning. This is madness.

Christopher Lane has been ably tracking the travails of the birth - the conception - of DSM-V, the updated psychiatric diagnostic manual. (Note: I was part of the advisory group for DSM-IV substance use disorders, but I have no role in DSM-V.)

Among the quandaries faced by a group of experts whose job is to define our mental disorders - and thus how we define our society - is what comprises aberrant behavior worthy of psychiatric attention. The title of Lane's book, Shyness: How Normal Behavior Became a Sickness, indicates his primary concern - that slightly off-center behavior is regarded as sick.

Lane's discussion of DSM-V highlights "the serious risks of manipulation by drug companies who are eyeing every poorly conceived idea and proposal - bitterness disorder, apathy disorder, internet addiction disorder," et al. According to embittered DSM-IV editor Dr. Allen Frances, this will lead to the "medicalization of normality that will trivialize mental disorder and lead to a deluge of unneeded medication treatments."

At the same time, parents and patients are assailing psychiatry with truly pathological cases of absorption in video games and porno, among other things, such that marriages, social functioning - really all normal life functioning - are impaired. These people NEED sex and video games included in DSM-V to validate their experience and to offer them hope.

So, with all due respect to Messers. Lane and Frances, the problem is not in identifying too many debilitating preoccupations as mental disorders. It is in listing the objects of people's preoccupations in separate sections of the diagnostic manual.

For instance, there is a substance use disorder section in DSM-IV - not an addiction section. In fact, "addiction" doesn't appear in DSM-IV, but only the terms substance "dependence" and "abuse." The use of these non-technical words highlights the underlying problem: "You mean the only things human beings can abuse or become dependent on are drugs and alcohol?" Every sentient human being knows that's untrue.

In fact, the DSM-IV substance use section lists a range of problems people may incur through drug-taking and drinking. But what such an approach implicitly recognizes - that drug use and alcohol are themselves not inherently problematic - undercuts the validity of having a separate section designating only substance use disorders.

The section currently, wisely, doesn't define substance problems as diseases. People are diagnosed as being in remission when they cease misusing a substance - thus, the majority of people who have ever been alcohol dependent in America still drink but are no longer alcoholic, according to DSM-IV categories.

My requests that DSM-IV state this explicitly were rejected. But there is no longer room for pussy-footing. DSM-V can only make sense if it (1) specifies addictions and other problems in terms of the severity of the life disruptions they cause (e.g., schizophrenia not defined by hallucinations, or obsessive compulsive disorder by specific preoccupations), (2) conceives disorders not as traits but as conditions or experiences that vary depending on people's life stages and situations.

Unfortunately people who advocate for these "illnesses" - and psychiatry's diagnostic manual - insist on each condition being separated into its own domain. The very act of designating specific disorders creates a sense that people are defined by their conditions and that they may never escape them. It also leads to an infinite expansion of such conditions.

Categorizing psychological problems in terms of the severity of their consequences has the potential to cut the size and shape of the manual drastically. If DSM-V insists on listing each specific manifestation of dysfunctional behavior and thought, then the kind of turf fights we are witnessing for each disorder are inevitable.

And DSM-V will start looking like the Oxford English Dictionary in its inclusiveness - and size.

Oh, the answer to the question posed by the title of this post is that addiction should be defined, and the list of activities and experiences that potentially meet the criteria sampled but not exhaustively enumerated and described individually.

friday funnies

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lb.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.