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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

missing the buzz



it's been almost 5 and a half years since
my last drink and i've recently been recalling
that feeling of relaxation and release that it
provided.

none of the misery is surfacing through the
memories; as if it didn't exist.

all i see is the rose colored haze,
i hear the pop of the cork and
the tinkle of the glasses.
i smell the distinct aromas.

i feel like proof positive, that there is
no "got it " point in recovery.

when will this ever go away?

why me?

i hate being an alcoholic.





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6 comments:

RipGurl said...

Wow, do I see the long road ahead. The way you described it, is exactly the joy that I miss in drinking. It does wrap you in a blanket of sensory stimulus. I know that sobriety will have its ups and downs, just as alcohol did. Ahhh, alcohol had its ups. But for me it really had its downs. And being a new sober, I still have some strong memories of those downs. I could easily see that after five and a half years the downs don't stand out.

Just curious, did you journal in any way when you first became sober? Does it help to revisit those thoughts? I'm wondering if my journaling will be of use when the memories start to fade.

I will say a prayer for you. I can't even imagine how hard it is in the long haul. Stick it out, everything changes with time.

clean and crazy said...

I feel that way too sometimes, thinking it would just be a beer. I am grateful for my children they really help me to stay focused and out of my pity pot. I hear you hit a "hump" at 5 years maybe that is whats going on. Definitely share about it share until it passes, go to more meetings and stay in contact with the fellowship. Prayers with you

betterman1 said...

I think what you're telling me is, "Keep your guard up."

Good advice, I think.

Shadow said...

that's our clever, sneaky mind that. i don't think it ever goes away. completely away. to that point where non-alcoholics can say 'i didn't even want to drink' and mean it, completely mean it. all i can do is control it...

Sandi T said...

As someone who is not an alcoholic, I cannot even imagine your struggle. Your words here, however,are powerful and give the 'nons' a glimmer of the difficulties you face when you are in this place. And the most promising thing is that you are aware of it and facing it, dealing with it and not hiding it. You HAVE come so far and you are still on the right road. Be as proud as you are strong. I would be.

Sandi T said...

As someone who is not an alcoholic, I cannot even imagine your struggle. Your words here, however,are powerful and give the 'nons' a glimmer of the difficulties you face when you are in this place. And the most promising thing is that you are aware of it and facing it, dealing with it and not hiding it. You HAVE come so far and you are still on the right road. Be as proud as you are strong. I would be.

 
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